Terms of Enrampagement (“It’s a working title!”), from “Archer.”

Terms of Enrampagement (“It’s a working title!”), from “Archer.”

My fake Criterion Collection cover for “Face Punch,” from the “Twilight” movies. (And before you ask, the only reason I know about that is because of the RiffTrax.)

I decided for whatever reason that a movie like “Face Punch” would totally be in 3D, and as such, it would require Criterion’s first-ever holographic 3D cover. You know, those lenticular ones where you move them and they kind of move, and if you look at it just right it looks 3D?

This meant that I had to get a 3D picture of my fist using my Nintendo 3DS. Easier said than done, given I had to face away from the screen to get it. I should’ve done a timer capture in retrospect.

Then I had to Photoshop both “sides” to make the cover. This was even harder, given I was doing two separate Photoshop files simultaneously; getting the fist picture to the right look required me to put both of them in another file, then merge and do the color changing. In retrospect, it probably would’ve been easier to do it in one Photoshop file while hiding layers.

Finally, I had to figure out how to make it work on Tumblr. It seems that Tumblr is confused by MPO files, so I couldn’t do that. Because the blue titles are shifted in each image, an red-and-blue/cyan anaglyph wouldn’t work, and you probably don’t want to make yellow-blue or red-green glasses (besides which, it would throw off the colors). In the end, I made three versions: a double image, which requires you to cross your eyes; a GIF, which simulates 3D version by flicking back and forth; and, if you don’t want care for 3D and just want to see the 2D version, the simple JPG.

So Fake Criterions is currently talking about fake Blu-Ray Criterions of “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” I suddenly remembered how, years ago, I had Photoshopped an actual Criterion to make a “Manos” joke. Sadly, I don’t recall when precisely I did it (I’d estimate 2006), nor do I have easy access to the original Photoshop file, as I’d love to fix a few things here.

So Fake Criterions is currently talking about fake Blu-Ray Criterions of “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” I suddenly remembered how, years ago, I had Photoshopped an actual Criterion to make a “Manos” joke. Sadly, I don’t recall when precisely I did it (I’d estimate 2006), nor do I have easy access to the original Photoshop file, as I’d love to fix a few things here.

Decided to make a Fake Criterion for what’s probably my favorite teen movie, “Fucking Amål.” (What? That’s what it’s called in Sweden. Here in prudish America, it’s “Show Me Love.”)

I had the inspiration to use the sticker as a censor and went for it. I like to assume that, if that didn’t satisfy people, they’d send out the “Show Me Love” cover instead… or include the original title on the booklet.

I kind of hope that Criterion does make a real version of this, because it really is such a sweet movie that needs more love. And because the current US DVD version of it is ugly.