My fake Criterion Collection cover for “Face Punch,” from the “Twilight” movies. (And before you ask, the only reason I know about that is because of the RiffTrax.)

I decided for whatever reason that a movie like “Face Punch” would totally be in 3D, and as such, it would require Criterion’s first-ever holographic 3D cover. You know, those lenticular ones where you move them and they kind of move, and if you look at it just right it looks 3D?

This meant that I had to get a 3D picture of my fist using my Nintendo 3DS. Easier said than done, given I had to face away from the screen to get it. I should’ve done a timer capture in retrospect.

Then I had to Photoshop both “sides” to make the cover. This was even harder, given I was doing two separate Photoshop files simultaneously; getting the fist picture to the right look required me to put both of them in another file, then merge and do the color changing. In retrospect, it probably would’ve been easier to do it in one Photoshop file while hiding layers.

Finally, I had to figure out how to make it work on Tumblr. It seems that Tumblr is confused by MPO files, so I couldn’t do that. Because the blue titles are shifted in each image, an red-and-blue/cyan anaglyph wouldn’t work, and you probably don’t want to make yellow-blue or red-green glasses (besides which, it would throw off the colors). In the end, I made three versions: a double image, which requires you to cross your eyes; a GIF, which simulates 3D version by flicking back and forth; and, if you don’t want care for 3D and just want to see the 2D version, the simple JPG.

My top 5 problems with Nintendo Video

So I have a Nintendo 3DS. It’s nice, although my cheapness means I currently only have one cartridge for it and about a thousand things I want for it. The free apps Nintendo has released are pretty good, though.
 My favorite is Nintendo Video. It’s basically what I bought the 3DS for in the first place: Glasses-free 3D video. Unfortunately, it’s not as great as it could be. There are five reasons for this.
 
5. It only has four videos at a time.
The problem here is simple. The 3DS puts most of your downloads and data on an included SD card. However, the SD card is only 2 GB. There’s only so much you can put on that, especially with 3D video, which requires twice as much space as regular video. This is likely why there are only four videos.
 
But what about those who have bigger cards? Too bad.
 
4. You have no control over what videos you have.
Nintendo controls what videos you have, and for how long. Which means that if there’s something you like, you can’t keep it, and if there’s something you hate, you can’t get rid of it. All you can do is wait.
 
Worse, you have no control over what kind of video you get, either. The main thing I like on the service are movie trailers. Unfortunately, they haven’t given me any right now. Instead, I have a Dreamworks Animation short (ugh), an old short (also ugh), a video on hot air balloons (eh?), and a Blue Man Group video (meh).
 
3. It’s all-ages.
Speaking of trailers, every trailer has been for kid-friendly movies: “Dolphin Tale,” “Glee,” “The Smurfs…” The edgiest one was for “Captain America.” Now, I understand that Nintendo likes to position themselves as a family-friendly company, and that they want youngsters to use this… except that they actually warn against children younger than 7 using it for fear of eye damage. How many 8-year olds wanted to go see “The Smurfs?” I’m not asking for 3D porn or anything, just something that lets the adults who likely own more 3DSs than children have their fun, too.
 
2. It’s not Youtube.
The 3DS has an Internet browser that’s incompatible with Youtube. They have a Netflix app that doesn’t display 3D. The only way to watch 3D video is with their specialized service. Never mind that Youtube has plenty of 3D videos that would be fun to watch on a 3DS. Sure, most of them are terrible (and I’d know, having made some of them), but if they’re not going to solve these problems, let someone else do it.
 
1. There’s no way to buy 3D video.
You want to know the main reason I was excited for the 3DS? I wanted to watch full 3D movies on it. Admittedly, there’s very few movies that use 3D in a way I’d want to watch over and over again, but stuff like “Drive Angry,” “Beowulf” and “Coraline” has its appeal. Or, if I can’t have that, let me buy 3D shorts or trailers to have on my 3DS. They have an online store, but it’s for games only. Can you imagine the money they’d make if they sold 3D videos? How much money do you think iTunes makes on just music, as opposed to books, videos and apps?
 
Admittedly, it’s early to complain. The device has only been out for less than a year. But the original Nintendo DS is about seven years old. If the 3DS lasts that long, it’s a major fraction of its lifespan that doesn’t have these features. These are the features I bought the thing for, and so far I’m not getting what I want out of them.
 
Please, Nintendo. Figure out something already.